Ordinary girl feels self important and starts a blog

Yayayaya finally doing the thing I said I wanna do. The title is lowkey the TLDR of all this. And then I don’t really have to do all the disclaimers about how I’m self aware and realize that what I will write n whine about is entirely backed in privilege and self absorbed lines of thinking. Except I probably still will. I really struggle to validate my desires and dreams bc 1. I find them embarrassing (unpack in a diff blog post probs when im more #comfortable) and 2. Probably everyone else has these dreams and desires so I feel silly materializing them cos really what is novel about Me, specifically. I also worry that it’s some narcissistic trait (hence the fear of self importance) that I find my relatively ordinary experiences and thoughts worth sharing. Like wow another recent (ish) post-grad from an elite college complaining about existing in the world (even tho she benefits in insurmountable ways from the social and political systems that exist in said world). But also like yeah life = hard. Plus, just my friends are gonna see this and I’m really only doing this for myself cos no one actually cares that much about an ordinary blog girl. Also, writing is fun n im allowed to do fun things. So yeah consider that my disclaimer. 

I think ill start off these blogs with being as least vulnerable as possible. Until I feel more comfortable and then I can start being more vulnerable and share some real insightful shit that will make everyone swoon bc they find it sooo retable. But for now I’m gonna write in more abstract thoughts and feelings. I’ve always liked writing bc I feel like it helps compartmentalize my thoughts (which is helpful cos I got lots). Can’t keep them all in my brain bc then they will be forgotten (oh no!! really bad!!) cos my short term memory is garb. But more importantly, writing makes me feel smart. Like, yes let me string together some thought provoking sentences that highlight my intelligence and broad understanding of the world. All I want to feel is smart all the time. Idk why anyone else wants any other compliment. That might sound rude but it makes sense to me in a non-rude way. That’s another disclaimer. I can write in ways that may come off as confusing or hard to follow, so I really hope people choose to interpret my writing in a kind and gentle manner. I’ll try to make the connections and jumps in my writing clear. But tbh I won’t try that hard bc again, no one really is reading this. 

About two-ish years ago, my two besties and I started writing emails to each other, spurred by Sally Rooney’s book Beautiful World, Where Are You (yeah of course ordinary girl reads Sally Rooney). Sally is actually the North Star of how an influential person should act. She has a great track record of standing on biz so actually everyone should take a page or two out of her book (wow the pun just writes itself). But anyways, in the book, the characters write emails to each other detailing their thoughts and everyday encounters. I felt really hashtag inspired by this and the reasons are threefold. The first is that it kind of cosplays as a form of journaling because you can keep track of the thoughts and events in your life, which I find important cos I want to be able to look back on my life and remember it, obvs. Second, it’s a much better form of journaling imo because you get real time responses from your dearest friends, so you’re not just rambling into a void. And that feels nice because you know you’re guaranteed a thoughtful response from someone with goated merit levels for this task, cos obvs they can read you to filth. Also, you get the added bonus of hearing about their life in a well-crafted tangible way. Which leads me to my third reason: emails feel more intentional. You actually have to think about what you are trying to write, how you want to word it, and how it will be perceived. All of which are important and make you think critically. Clearly, I fck with that. Sometimes it’s nice and fine to b!tch in your personal little diary, but most of the time that leads to me detailing sad and lonely thoughts in a way that feels icky and whiney. And I actually don’t feel better, ever. Also, who wants to look back on that, u know? So im basically insinuating that im superior to everyone else bc im too baller for journaling. Thus, the email chains were born and their value soon discovered. But then my friends got really busy and important with their lives and don’t respond to me as frequently anymore. But Ordinary Girl still has so many thoughts!!! So Ordinary Girl is going to the next best thing, which she has decided is blogging. Kinda an interesting pattern how I keep reverting to more archaic forms of media. First the emails, and now the blogs. Yeah, email is archaic now, sorry if I’ve aged you. If anything im really jealous of early stage technology and am deeply envious of those who lived in that era. 

Maybe I’ll sift through some of the emails and share some of the insightful parts in future blogs. Forward slash expand on them. 

I’ve also recently realized that I really like art. Im not particularly good at it, but I like it bc it’s captivating n fun. And Im learning these are enough of reasons to like things. I’ve grown to really appreciate what I’ve coined Fugly Art. As in, art that may not traditionally be considered beautiful, like it has kinda a fugo look to it. I guess I just have a soft spot for the underdog. I used to get really annoyed with art bc I felt like it was the one thing in the world that should literally be so subjective, yet we have created a market that deems it as good vs bad. Like, it bothers me that some art becomes so successful and acclaimed, while other pieces literally never see the light of day. That’s so dumb to me!! All art is cool!!! Art should not be gatekeep!! I also like fugly art bc it pushes back against perfectionism, which obvs is like this really bad thing that becomes a huge barrier in people’s lives. Ie, to me, sometimes art can feel paralyzing because if it’s not perfect, then it’s embarrassing to have even tried, u know? However, with fugly art, it can look deranged n weird n bad and I honestly respect tf out of that. For inspo, look at the cover art of this post. Feel like it captures Fugly super well. Don’t remember where I saw this painting cos it was long ago, but really like the vibe. See, even back in the day, I knew Fugly would somehow have relevance in my life.  

One day at the office, I started doodling on a sticky note (eeek foreshadowing). Then I doodled the next day, and the day after that. But then I obviously stopped because I got bored and uninspired and I quit things. But, nonetheless, for a decent amount of relatively consecutive days, I doodled on a sticky note that morphed into a series of fugly sketches of the day. It’s very important to me that these sketches represent the concept of Fugly bc it takes the stress n overthinking out of it. I’ve now developed a fixation with fugly art and want to keep doing it bc it provides the best of both worlds; getting to be creative, but also not feeling burdened by deep rooted perfectionism. Eventually, I’ll dedicate more time to that and you can call me bigfish cos I’ll graduate from sticky notes to Painting fugly art. And all of this can go on my site! 

Before my fugly art era, I was collage girl. This is really fun for me because it has the perks of creativity and artistry, but it doesn’t really have the issue of Perfectionism bc Im not the primary source of the art, just the secondary. I just can use already established art to then further make art. And I’ve always had taste (obvs), so deciding what magazine cut outs should be overlayed on top of each other was literally easy money for me. Like, I just take all these existing pieces and come up with something shiny and new. And who doesn’t like shiny and new! Plus it gave me a creative outlet. Yay fulfillment. So yeah, all of the collage art on the site is my own work #copyright. Had to flex on that cos im proud of it. I want to showcase that more on the site too, like basically just have a hub of all my creative work, so that it can be materialized and provide fulfillment for my brain, as I trick it into thinking that showcasing art is my reality. 

My dad is pretty good at art. So if you were wondering if this path could also be in the cards for you, I’m lucky bc I have the genetic factor. But he’s good at the Perfectionism kind of art. Like, he can take a landscape from a photograph and basically carbon copy it onto a canvas. I’m too impatient and bored by that kind of art, but I love appreciating it and looking at it. I honestly really hope one day we open an art stu together in Cali and live out our artist dreams. Then, we will donate the funds from our art commissions to people who need the funds more than us and finally get to have the Impact We Have Always Wanted On The World. Soz for the cheese. I just got super dreamer there. 

This sequitur brings me to my current sitch: my job. Ordinary girl with a job makes it her personality that she hates it. It’s really lucky that I can spend so much of my time thinking about what I want to do with it. That really does not go unnoticed to me. Especially coming from first gen immigrant parents, I am fully aware of how different my life could look. That sounds cryptic, but I don’t really feel like unpacking the fam dynamic atm so kinda just dropped that so people know that im not coming from a place of complete ignorance when I talk about wanting to quit my job. Ugh do I care too much about how im perceived? But also, this blog is intended to be perceived, so I really want to try to give it a fair shot at being perceived in a proper way. Honestly, this is generating a future blog post idea on perception and Gen Z, so tabling this for now. 

Back to the job. I’ve super outgrown it and my firm takes advantage of hard working individuals who are eager to learn and treats them like tools. Now, that was intended to sound cryptic, because what I actually want to say would involve lots of cen*rship, and I can’t be doxxing myself like that. These are definitely valid enough reasons to leave and look for new jobs, but the thing is I want to quit Right Now. Like with no back up. However, I probably won’t do that bc Im All Talk and it would be rash and probs lead to Regret. Instead, I think I should try to figure out a game plan and then make my moves. Butttt, then I face this issue where like I don’t really like the idea of Any Job. To be fair, that’s probably not true. I do sometimes want to be a lawyer or work in education n fight for important social and political issues. But obvs society and the state of the world decided to make me jaded at 23 instead. I know there are definitely jobs out there that I would like and be competent at, but those aren’t exactly the type of jobs that are handed to you on a silver platter. And I want things handed to me. On a silver platter. So this is the part where it gets really whiney and I talk about how labor in a capitalistic society isn’t for me and no career feels whimsical enough. And we should all just have UBI so we can go pursue the things we actually want to pursue without the pressures of society. I want what I think most people strive for, which is a job with work-life balance that feels mission driven and fulfilling with really awesome and cool coworkers who cultivate a community orientated culture. However, that feels almost like a delusional ask and if I’m gonna be delusional might as well be delusional n do something more fun like write a novel or sumthing. It’s annoying tho that, at the end of the day, we ultimately have to bend to the pressures of society and like find a way to live in this capitalist world. Also annoying that it feels so much more difficult for Me to #conform to it all. Like, I wish I could just accept reality more and try to work with it, rather than always resisting and never feeling satisfied. Ok that’s enough whining for now. I should probably space it out so that people don’t get too turned off. Don’t wanna have bad manners.

I do feel lucky because two of my close friends have recently quit their jobs without anything lined up. And I get to watch and observe how that’s going for them and then use that as potential resource to base my own decisions off of. Yeah, I’ll psycho analyze my friends…for my own benefit and research purposes…cos im invasive like that. They are way cooler than me, cos they actually have a backbone and are going after their dreams with the fear of the unknown. I don’t think I’m ready to face the Fear yet. I wish I had more insight on this and what the move is, but for now im just marinating with what to do and will report back when I have more ideas. 

I did read this book, kind of a while ago now, but it feels relevant in this discussion, about how the American Educated Elite are all sheep. This book was introduced to me because there was a period of my life where I basically felt like everyone and their mum was a sheep. Ie no one actually feels/knows anything and we all just blindly follow one another. Naturally, that made me really freaked, cos I genuinely felt like…everyone was a sheep. I don’t even know how to fully explain it, but it would trip me out cos I would just dissociate and be like ahhhhhh no one is real (sometimes myself included). I eventually sorta got out of this phase because I realized that being a sheep can be good, when the sheep you are being involves herding towards the type of people that Do Good. And by that, be the kind of sheep that’s inspired by people who are doing cool and good things!! Because honestly that is the circle of life. People see others do things, and then said people want to do those things, because the people who are doing those things seem chill n happy af. So when you put it like that, it’s really not so bad if people are inspired by others. And you know what they say about imitation and flattery. Highest form! And I guess that’s really not so bad either, because who doesn’t want an ego boost. So, that helped me grapple with the thought that everyone is sheep. Me included unforch. But I try hard to avoid sheep tendencies…because I still kinda want to be original…like all the time. If I think about it for too long though, I’ll loophole my own line of thinking re sheep behavior and it won’t hold up and I’ll get spooked again. But anyways, back to the book and why it’s relevant. 

So there I was, yapping about how everyone is a sheep, and my dear friend’s mom suggested I read this book. She’s a college counselor and works with the student elite decently often, and I guess my line of reasoning was adjacent enough to this author’s thoughts (which, in the moment, kinda made me spiral bc even talking about sheep was sheep bc this man literally had the same thought). But whatevs minds can think similarly and it doesn’t automatically mean sh!t. Anyways, basically, the book talks about how universities in the US have this pipeline of placing smart educated people into careers like consulting and banking, bc of the financial stability it pretends to provide and bc it’s deemed as such a “versatile” career. Essentially, elite colleges are creating n establishing the Consulting Class. And how the original function of liberal arts colleges to teach about values, critical thinking, and abstract ideas is becoming obsolete. The author argued that courses like philosophy, sociology, English, history, etc are being pushed aside bc they aren’t careerable and actually tend to breed people into fields like consulting (problematic!). So, unforch, many people are taking these Amazing and Beautiful degrees from prestigious colleges and putting it towards Greed and Self-destruction (cos they can barely sustain themselves when they work Big Corporate), rather than using college as an experience to develop their values and goals and then ultimately go pursue them. Life would be so awesome if collective action was more of a given. Obviously there is nuance to this, and I think there are definitely ways to find middle ground but tbh the gist of his book felt really spot on. Like, let’s not funnel Really Educated People into spaces that shove capitalism down our throats. Education is so important and the best way to progress! The book def could have been written in an email though like it rambled for sure. It’s called: Excellent Sheep: The Miseducation of the American Elite and the Way to a Meaningful Life, in case anyone wants to read it, forward slash confirm that what I summarized is accurate. 

It’s interesting because I often like to ask people when they know what to do. Like when do you know what decision to make when faced with a series of options? Or how do you decide what life choices you want to make? Because, for me, there have always sort of been these Feelings. Like, straight up, I just get vibes. And those vibes tell me what to do. I also only really feel motivated to do things when I get these Feelings. But I don’t get these Feelings that often. So it’s always awkward when I’m in a phase where I just don’t get Feelings. Cos then im just chilling but not like chiller in a good way, more like a chiller in an anxious, yet also stagnant way, since my Feeling hasn’t told me what to do yet. This is also why I sometimes feel psychic. This definitely sounds super woo woo, but it’s my truth. Sometimes, I just get these really strong urges that certain things will happen and then…they do. This psychic nature feels useful though. I like having a sixth sense. But yeah, at the end of the day, I really decide all things based on this concept of a Feeling. And whether I get them or not; that’s how I decide what to do with my life. I guess I’m curious if others feel similarly. Probably most people do, because like why would you do things that you don’t Feel like doing, but idk that sorta feels different than the Feeling. Because the Feeling, to me, is like its own separate category, different from things like emotions or moods. I guess other people might be able to back up their actions through logic, reasoning, or anecdotal evidence, pointing them to certain choices, but for me the ultimate decision factor is truly just a lil old feeling. 

I kind of want to go into a story time now bc I feel like that’s what people do in blog posts. But I don’t really know what story would be relevant or interesting. I feel like sharing a warm n fuzzy story cos we are obvs in really dark n scratchy times. Things like friendship make me feel really warm and fuzzy cos I just have really awesome friends so hiiii friends if you’re reading this ilysm. Maybe I’ll just list some summer highlights. Spent a decent amount of time by the beach. DC is musty when it comes to nice bodies of water, but we made it work by going to a bay in Maryland. That was a vibe cos the water is so warm and nice down here. We tried to get some lobster, but ended up settling for a sports pub instead. Got lobster in my soup tho so I was satisfied. More time by the water when I was vibemaxxing in Sweden. Spent lots of time by the ocean and the lake bc I don’t discriminate. I like both. Except obvs ocean is better. Reminded myself that the best way to travel is by visiting the people you love. Because then you just get to relax and hang in their company while also being in an epic location. Plus, it’s way less planning and way more economical. I also just don’t like walking around and staring at landmarks that much. My entitlement reaksss but honestly it’s my truth and I feel like it’s valid. Cos like if im gonna learn about a culture might as well do it from the fcking local who actually lives there. 

I bought probably the best hat in Sweden. It has a fugly twang to it and can’t wait to overwear it in the fall. I also went to the sauna in Stockholm and immediately became obsessed. Truly felt cleansed physically and spiritually after that experience. Must find dupe in DC. 

As I was on my merry (I’m only using the word merry for the sake of the expression. I was actually quite glum to leave cos obvs the US is on fire rn) way home, I saw a really swaggy lil boy at the airport. He was probs like 10 years old and just was too cool 4 skool. Like dripped out in stussy while wearing a backwards cap…yuh iconic. Feeling kinda creepy now commenting on this boy’s swag, but it really fascinates me how hip n rockstar the new gen is gonna be. I also went to the psychic. That was def a highlight. She was totally a scam, but also she was pretty spot on. Like, she read my vibe pretty accurately. According to her, I’m meant for a career in healthcare, meeting my soulmate at 25, and going to spend significant time in Cali. Also, individuals with the letters R & D are supposed to be important so, please, Present Yourselves! Writing this down here so I can check back in a couple of years. It’s also definitely been a summer of strawberries and cherries and grapes. Honestly, all fruit in general…as always. 

Im gonna present a false sense of reality by not sharing the summer lowlights bc im sensitive and if I list bad things then Im gonna be sad. And summer was so yesterday that it doesn’t even feel relevant anymore. Seasons changing always stirs up such a mix of emotions, but I’m excited for fall and all things associated.

I’m gonna wrap this up in a nice n pretty bow because aesthetics are important to me and I’ve def rambled for long enough. Honestly, if you think about it, I’m probs helping our generation fight the attention deficit allegations…bring back long form content I guess. Here’s the actual TLDR: I want a place to materialize all my creative work so basically that’s what this website is. I want a space where I can write in strange ways so blogs are back. And I enjoy making life more whimsical, because despite my pessimism, I do think laughter and joy are medicine lolz.