I often view my life in chapters, and I’ve been in the mood to go down memory lane all week, so I’m gonna do some reflecting on my chapters, in a philosophizing way because I have some parallels and insights to draw. I specifically come back to the #Summer2024. I think back to this chapter a lot cos I had a sort of vigor and independence that felt very unmatched. I’m not entirely sure how true that is because if I do think hard enough, I can think of similar eras. But since this was the most recent one, I naturally recall back to it most easily. And I feel like I’m finally far enough removed from it to fully analyze it. And I wanna harp on the independence piece, because I think I feel weirdly codependent right now.
Summer2024 was my transition from college to post grad, which is an extremely overanalyzed topic in a way that tends to pmo, because everyone likes to dote on the same narrative. I don’t share that narrative though, so My dote is fully acceptable cos it’s different. Side bar, I used the word dote in way that was kinda not the normal meaning and I think we should take more liberty in using words in ways that go against their pure meaning. Like, when you rhyme a word but it’s a little off, so it’s not a True rhyme. Using words in settings that feel off putting helps with this whole agency and free will thing. Forward slash, I like making people guess what I’m trying to say.
Ok anyways, rather than experiencing the post-grad existential dread after the comedown high from college, I honestly felt really………excited. I lacked self-doubt and was truly soooo eager to embrace new experiences and people, with such a sense of confidence that I honestly cannot fathom where it came from. I think it’s because I felt really really stagnant by the end of my college months. And I was eager to be uncomfortable again. Moving to a new city provided all those possibilities, and I realized quickly that my new life in D.C. wasn’t uncomfortable at all. Well, like it was. At first. Giving me kind of a high. But then it was actually falling really nicely into place. I was still experiencing challenges of course, but I was able to tackle these challenges with a strong head on my shoulders. I was making decisions quickly and not really questioning it much. Everything was happening pretty fast and I was going with the flow.
I don’t really feel this way about my life now. I definitely have comfortability and connection, but I also find change a lot more challenging. I’m going through a transition period right now, a different kind, except I don’t have the same self-trust that I did over a year ago. Things are established and change feels a lot harder and scarier than it used to. I used to seek out change because I couldn’t sit with the thought of an ordinary life. Now, I’m doubting decisions and almost taking too long to come to them. I’m not so eager to be uncomfortable again. I feel a lot more codependent and scared to do things alone. I miss things and people in a way that I didn’t use to miss. This is obviously a form of gratitude, even though it kind of makes me weep, in a sad way. But before I can list my gratitudes, let me first just complain and acknowledge whatever the duck this feeling is.
I’m finding this to be really frustrating. Because shouldn’t I be More Established and Secure after living in a place for over a year? I also think I feel embarrassed because only a few months ago, I did feel really self-assured. Self-assured in a way of like, okay I feel like I have some long-term goals that I care about and could be interested in pursuing. Now, I kinda feel numb at the idea of thinking of anything beyond what I’m doing next week. And it feels Embarrassing to so confidently tell everyone in my life certain things, but then find the Voice a lot weaker when you’re on the other side of it. Like, it’s not just theorizing, it’s real world.
This whole lack of goal thing though, does feel like the true root of all my problems. Like, I don’t have many goals beyond just experiencing pockets of joy. I can come up with things to say in front of my parents or friends. But if I’m really being honest, if I think about anything long enough, I don’t really want it, and that unsettles me. I really Do Want a goal though. I just think that helps give me purpose and I’m all about finding purpose. And I think the reason I’m struggling to set goals is because everything sparks disillusionment. So, I’m honestly trying to achieve more of a naive optimism cos I’m not really sure I can achieve anything without some false Hope.
I’m going to start a server job in a few weeks. I feel excited about this because I do think it’s a really good gig and it was what Past Me who was still working a desk job really wanted. I’m trying to lean into that perspective, so that I don’t spiral about the fact that I’m not really using my sexy and prestigious college degree. Even though I wasn’t using that at my corporate job either. But people liked the way that job sounded, and they don’t really like the way that Waitress sounds. And by people, I mostly mean my parents. It’s annoying remembering that I care what people think. Like, yeah, no shit, but I sorta always moved to the beat of my own drum and I thought that made me immune from Pressure. Turns out, I still want people to think highly of me, especially my parents, and swallowing that and regurgitating it back as self trust is lowkey really hard.
I’ve been racking my brain trying to figure out why my family has such a chokehold on me. Their ability to unsettle me at the slightest comment is something beyond what friends, lovers, or enemies could achieve. My best answer is that prestige and education were literally forms of survival for my parents. And whatever gets tied to survival is going to imprint deeply on you. So maybe in a way I’ve inherited that mindset? That education will be my path to a free and happy life, and to discard that would be a disservice to the freedom that only exists because of their sacrifice. Except, there are many white people who also care about prestige and climbing up metaphorical ladders, but maybe their desire is tied to superiority and power complexes? Idk I’m just a weird girl, I don’t have all the answers. But I do think immigrant families hold prestige in a way that symbolizes freedom. And I think those two things hold very different weights; freedom vs power. With freedom being a really strong influence, in a way that tugs at morality and identity, making it hard to let go.
But it is important to let go. It is normal and smart to usurp the narrative, if the shoe no longer fits. And the shoe has not been fitting. I was feeling really out of place and stagnant sitting in a cubicle and I don’t want to live life as a way to build a resume. I want to live in chapters!!! So I’m in my food industry chapter and I’m gonna feed rich people, because I obviously still need to be in close proximity to them. Just maybe not At their table.
Going back to this whole codependent thing, now that I find myself with a lot of alone time, I’m not really interested in doing things alone. I feel like we already have so much to do on our own that I’m not really keen to intentionally create things to do by myself. Like, I’m not going to purposely induce more alone time. For instance, why would I go to a concert……Alone………..just to prove it to myself? That’s weird. It’s weird because I don’t Want to do that. If you Want to do that, then be a jester and do it (haha kidding)! But seriously why are we putting people’s hyper-independence On others? I don’t want to solo travel to soul search, I can do that in my journal on a Tuesday night. Again, omg please don’t be offended if you Want to do these things, I just Don’t and I don’t think doing it needs to be a point driven by the mainstream media. Because I like experiencing moments with others, it makes for funnier stories and giggles, and that is way more appealing to me.
But where does this leave me? Needing to live with my besties. This is fine. I will do this. It just scares me that my besties are really adventurous and tend to run away. It’s really beautiful that we have liminal spaces, but it’s also scary and gives you something to lose. Like, I’m going to wake up one day and have dreamt it all. That would blow. This premature fear seems to be manifesting into a lack of independence. In the sense that I don’t really make independent decisions? Like, I want a buddy to riff off everything with cos then obviously I’m bound to never make a wrong decision ever. I want to literally be validated for everything I do. Me two years ago, did not need this validation, like I said, she was very self-assured and went with the flow. Maybe I’m being slightly unreliable here, because I’m definitely one to glaze over the past with frosting, but the point I’m trying to make is that, at least for a brief stint, I didn’t really question myself or my journey because I was trying and I was experiencing, and it was working out decently. I would like to reach that level of self-assurance again. It was really attractive.
And I guess this is the distinction I’m trying to make. Like, I don’t need to be independent of people, but maybe independent in my own thoughts. We can all be doing things on our own, but still be dependent to the voice of others and that’s what feels icky. But it’s so hard!!! Because validation feels SO good. It makes you feel sane when other people agree with you, but also here’s my reminder that most people probably do agree with you. Like, individuals are multifaceted and nuanced, so it is more than likely that they will be receptive to your thoughts. And maybe it’s wrong that I’m saying the solution to validation is just assuming validation, rather than being okay with the lack of validation? But see how I literally just proved my point of self-doubt. But also proved my point of nuance in individuals.
All in all though, I am happy with my decisions. Even if it does take me longer to make them. I’m really glad I’m not working right now. I don’t miss my old job At All and that is a beautiful feeling. I was anxious that I would suddenly want to will corporate back into my life. I don’t. Thank god. I experience a lot less dread. And I’m happy to have something on the horizon so soon. I’ve been really trying to get into the practice of writing gratitude lists, I used to push back on it a lot, but actually Writing them out has done wonders. I also think it helps balance out all the begging and complaining I do. So here’s mine for the day.
- I’m grateful that I did most of my chores yesterday and still had a lazy Sunday because now my room is clean, which makes my mind feel clearer.
- I’m grateful that I have a creative imagination and can make up scenarios in my head that make me laugh. And that I make myself laugh, in general.
- I’m grateful that I went on a little adventure with Rikki and Gretchen today and that I have whimsy friends.
- I’m grateful that I have two theme party ideas because they would be so cool and if I had the money to make it really extravagant and awesome, I would. Now, I can daydream about them which makes me giddy.
- I’m grateful that Cate found a couch that looks promising.
- I’m grateful I can start developing a morning routine and that I randomly bought coffee because now I’m excited to make it tomorrow.
- I’m grateful that a year after my breakup, I’m on good terms with my ex and we have such a genuine mutual respect for each other.
- I’m grateful that tomorrow will be sunny and I have the ability to go on a run whenever I want.
- I’m grateful that I have been getting back into writing and reading and I feel excited about painting again.
- I’m grateful that I can view life in chapters and recognize that change is good and I’m willing to take risks.
Okay that’s all for now. I’m feeling much better. I wasn’t feeling that bad to begin with, I just like adding a theatrical nature to things. Ciaoooooo