Rat Race? Nay, Zen

Since my last post, I’ve had several crash outs. I kinda operate this way. Something usually bothers me, I get freaked out and upset and dramatic about it, and then, relatively quickly, I cool off. I’ve sorta always been that way. The fact that I get over it really quickly is pretty clutch. Except for the times that I don’t. Like, the yearning nature in me. But that’s because I have abandonment issues and I don’t wanna die alone. But also like who would want to die alone??? NO one. So really I’m just normie. 

Yoooo okay, derailed. Re-railing now. Basically, I get really agitated about things. The issue I have with that is that soooo many things agitate me. Or just like things are really difficult for me to swallow. Which leaves me worked up a lot of the time. This is a quality and experience that I really dislike. I do not want this much friction with life, u know?. Like, why does EVERYTHING bother me???? I think it’s because I’m an extremely hypersensitive person. I can pick up on a lot of vibes, cos I’m observant and good at reading the room. This is generally a positive thing and makes me #smaht, but it also means that I can overanalyze a lot. Probs to a fault. But because I’m soooooo good at analyzing, I’ve learned I can also train my brain into…….not analyzing aka…….reaching zen. I actually have so much autonomy over what pisses me off. Buddhism literally works by trying to achieve nirvana. So, basically, I’m out here trying to achieve nirvana. 

However, the issue I have sometimes with the idea of achieving zen is that it generates some level of passivity. Like, I think being able to express anger and frustration is super important because it stresses that we are real and not apathetic. And if I just achieve a state of total peace, then I’m not really coping with emotions in a healthy and mature way. Like, this world is really crazy and weird, I should totally be crashing out all the time, you know? And honestly I think that holds true. However, I also cannot sustain an immune system where I constantly am peeved. The solution obviously lies in finding a balance. Perhaps picking my agitation battles more wisely. Not dying on every hill, yada yada. 

I recently quit therapy. I’m taking a break. I’ve been going consistently for 7 months and I genuinely feel like these blog posts do more for me than my therapists have. That’s really disappointing. Or maybe I’m just really based and goated? Yeah, probs that. I used to get really annoyed when therapists would offer such simple advice. Cos like oh my god, I’m paying you. Can you at least Try to be more nuanced?? But as the teacher becomes the master, she is learning that most things actually really are that simple. For example, I genuinely think the key to a happy and fulfilling life is four basic pillars which I will now share: belonging, purpose, transcendence, and storytelling. I would probably add health and well-being as the fifth pillar, since that seems pretty key as well. This is from a book I read in legit like high school because I was soooooo eager to know the meaning of life. 

It’s been resurfacing in my mind lately, cos I feel I kinda cracked it. I wasn’t too convinced at 17, but I think I finally understand it and how they really all do work together. It’s cool watching the frontal lobe develop in real time. 

Belonging makes sense. Like, yeah obviously living a lonely life where you don’t feel understood, not gonna help you be happy. Purpose also makes sense. How can we use our talents to make the world better? Huge.

Transcendence is about feeling inspired by others. So, like having mentors and people to look up to. That also makes total sense re fulfillment. You need hope and aspiration. And then storytelling is like the narrative we create about ourselves. I think of this as how we see ourselves in the world, which is really helpful for understanding identity and perception. 

One of my recent crash outs was about identity, so this whole storytelling pillar felt very relevant. I was crashing out about my identity because I just feel that I enter a lot of spaces and I have a really hard time placing myself. Like, when I think about myself and who I am, I don’t really think of certain characteristics. I don’t really create archetypes for myself or put labels on my identity. People are just people. This sounds really simple and obvious, but I think lots of people do like to box themselves in an identity. Ie people are X type of person. And that’s annoyinggggg, I don’t like that. Cos I really cannot be boiled down like that. 

But I think naturally, when we first meet people, we perceive them and we cast judgments about them. Not necessarily negative judgements, just like observations, where we categorize and assign people qualities. And I really don’t like this!!! Please don’t stereotype me!! That makes me feel really flat and not multidimensional. And it’s interesting because I think certain spaces have become affiliated with certain characteristics, which in turn create specific identities. Also, WEIRD. Like, yeah community is important, but cut the cult.

This crash out was egged on because I was going around handing out resumes and suddenly I became hyperaware of all the different identities I was encountering. Or actually, maybe more accurately, the lack of different identities I was encountering. But, either way, I was witnessing very specific archetypes and it was unsettling. Because I couldn’t put myself into any of these archetypes. Since, I’m such a free spirit and obviously don’t fit in the mold. 

I think one of the most beautiful things about loving someone is that they no longer become an identity to you. They no longer are a series of characteristics and traits. They sort of just morph in a Person. A really holistic, multifaceted, inexplicable person. If someone asks you to describe your best friend or your partner or your parents, you will notice that it is really really hard. And that’s because you see them as individuals with lots of depth that cannot be penciled into sentences. And that is my favorite feeling, when you reach a point in a relationship with someone where you realize you cannot describe them. To me, it means love. 

Unfortunately, I can’t be in love with everyone I meet, so my brain resorts to sorting people. And so then I was kinda struggling with the first pillar (belonging) cos naturally I was like I don’t belong here. These people have identities and boxes and I’m just a nonconfirmist, without any of those things. This is where I need the zen to come in. I need to be like it’s okay that you feel weird. You’re in a different setting than normal and these people might be the box-y type of people or they might not. You literally don’t know them. And if they are box-y and cookie-cutter, then you can just exist parallel to them, because you already have people in your life who you like and get you. 

See how good of a job I did at reframing that. My therapist could literally never. But yeah, two of my pillars were thrown off!! I was totally bound to crash out. And the good thing is now that I know those pillars were messed up, I can calm myself by presenting ways to satisfy those pillars. The belonging one, I already did. I just need to make sure I have spaces where I feel seen and heard. The storytelling one is a bit more challenging because I don’t quite know what my narrative is. But I think knowing that I’m someone who feels claustrophobic by the idea of being labeled is a step. I like viewing myself as a Person and I will present myself as such!  

Another thing to note is I’ve learned that I become extremely judgmental when I feel I’m in uncomfortable situations. I’m really trying to work on this because it’s quite mean and that is not my true colors. I really like to pride myself on my #openness and #empathy, so these thoughts really upset me. It def has something to do with needing to put others down and view them as inferior as a way to cope with the fact that I’m in an uncomfy sitch. I’m glad I can recognize this and hopefully I’ll be anti-judgmental in no time. 

The purpose pillar has probably been my hardest pillar for most of my life. I feel really lost by purpose. I crash out about this a lot. Your 20s are apparently meant for figuring this out. I like to separate purpose into the micro and the macro. Purpose on the micro is the way you show up for the people in your circle. Purpose on the macro is more lifestyle related to me. Ie what do I want my everyday activities to be? How do I want to make money? Those kinds of things. I’ve been patiently patiently waiting for a sign re my macro purpose and I think I finally got one. The signs from the universe have been really sparse lately, but this one finally gave me some relief.

Before I got relief, I obviously had to crash out first. This crash out hinged on the world not feeling real because jobs don’t feel real. Like, so many jobs just feel really fake. And obviously I don’t want to live in a fake world. I want to live in a material and tangible world. So, I’ve decided, I’m going to seek out jobs that feel #real. Tbh my current job actually does feel very real. The decisions and actions we make are definitely not woo woo. I am just miserable because of other factors, so I’m dipping. I put in my two weeks cos that shit was corroding my spirit, so I’m excited to have my juju back soon and #carpediem. 

But anyways, I had a moment of peace on my flight home for the holidays because I saw the most ethereal sunset. Sunsets are already some of the world’s most beautiful wonders, but coupled with a take off, that’s practically magic. Like, to really set the scene, I was practically weeping at the fact that my plane was about to take off during sunset, cos it was genuinely so so gorgeous. I’ve been weep city lately. Like, everything makes me weep. It’s kinda embarrassing, but clearly I feel things deeply, so I’m trying to hashtag accept myself. And apparently a Harvard psychologist said people who cry a lot are emotionally goated. So obviously I’m gonna insert myself in that category. 

For some reason though, that sunset really flipped a switch in my brain re job stuff. It made me realize, at least in this moment, that I want my macro purpose to involve helping on the individual level, rather than on the systemic. This is really insightful cos lowkey it’s been a persistent dilemma for me. And now with this info, it means I can run towards things that fulfill that purpose, rather than running away from things that don’t. There’s a difference between the two, even if it doesn’t sound like it. Cos running towards is always going to feel more fulfilling and doable than running away. I don’t really wanna unpack more, like if you get it, you get it. Real recognizes real. 

Okay I guess back to the pillars? I really have no idea where I’m going with this blog. It’s turning more into a stream of consciousness moment. That’s cool. I’ll ride that wave. Cos I’m Zen now. But yeah the last pillar left would be transcendence and I’m not pressed about that one at all, cos I’m constantly inspired by everything around me. There is truly no lack of awe. 

I guess this all kinda leads me back to quitting therapy?? I definitely think there’s a great therapist out there for me who will be legendary, but for now I’m exhausted by the process. So, I’m doing what my quack therapist probably would tell me to do anyway…..listening to my #body. 

I think around the holidays there is a lot of reflecting and goal setting because it’s a checkpoint. It’s a reminder of time and its passage and how things have changed and also what feels familiar. Ie you decorate a Christmas tree, something you have done many times, but you are also reminded of everything that’s changed since the last time you decorated. This feeling elicits a mandatory reminder that, once again, the only constant is change. 

Nonetheless, I quite like to reflect and contemplate how I can further optimize my life. And being thoughtful about what I want to bring into the new year. A big goal for me this year is that I want to seize the day more. Like genuinely, carpe diem #2016. To me, this means waking up and actually being eager to start the day. I feel like whenever I wake up my thoughts are more like “this again??” But, I want to dissolve this morning dread and reframe it as like okay diva you have to be in this world for X amount of time (whatever the uni has planned) and there are pockets of joy, so let’s go grasp and seize and make the most of it. Do you see how I’ve reframed my dread in such a healthy manner? I love showcasing this positive reframing mindset. Which is also something I’m trying to weave into the new year. It makes me look really becoming and wise. I care about those things, apparently. 

It’s barely been a month into the year and I already know it’s going to be challenging both on the micro and macro level. But thankfully I’ve adopted the zen mindset, so I’m already on top of it. I know society is about to be rocked, but I’m clocking it now, so I can get ahead of it and try to set up life in a way that doesn’t make me teeter on sui ideation. And also really anchor myself in gratitude. Which is so fucking admirable given how Abhorent things can be. Maybe, lowkeyyyy maybe, I’ve finally Finally achieved radical acceptance.